one identity crisis at a time, baby

Welcome to The ‘Lifetime Movie Club’ Club! First, some boilerplate business: (1) I am in no way affiliated with Lifetime, no matter how many times I tell you with the utmost enthusiasm that the LMC subscription is only $5/mo. (2) I will not be inserting any screenshots, as I do not know the law, nor do I understand it enough to learn what constitutes copyright violations or whatever umbrella screenshots might fall under.

Content warnings: Stalking (uh. Obviously? Per the title, I mean), emotional manipulation, blood and violent imagery, death, murder.

Now, onto the cinema! Spoilers ahead.

STALKER’S PREY

After she is attacked by a shark during her 18th birthday celebration, Laura finds herself being stalked by the local hero who believes that she owes him her life.

Starring: Saxon Sharbino, Cynthia Gibb, and Mason Dye

2017 | 1hr 28 min

Since this is our first post and in the interest of full disclosure, let me put all my cards on the table here: I picked this movie as the first entirely because of Mason Dye.

(Well. Initially entirely. But then I watched it, and you know what? 10/10 what a ride.)

This isn’t a parasocial fixation thing, no, my interest in Mason Dye is… niche, I guess? Definitely niche for those of you who’ve never hyperfocused on a fandom. You might not even know what I’m talking about (and after the mess of whatever the fuck was going on in the Game of Thrones fandom in particular, I envy you, I really do).

So, back to my cards: I write Stranger Things Eddie/Chrissy fanfiction. I don’t watch Stranger Things, could never get past season 1 and change; the stakes are just too high for me, your local nervous wreck. I have enough problems, lemme just throw six seasons of Reba on a loop and see if that fixes me.

I can’t track my involvement with Eddie/Chrissy the way I can with other fandoms I’ve not been a part of but wrote fic for anyway, because I don’t have a lot going on and, besides, it’s good practice for figuring out what romance dynamics you want to play with in your original work. I’m sure it’s Meg’s fault, though (do you guys know Meg? She’s my super fab and fergalicious cover designer, check her out).

Whatever the case may be (MEGAN), I got invested and, if you know at least as much about Stranger Things as I do, you’ll know my Eddie/Chrissy heart eyes meant I really put Mason Dye as Jason Carver through his paces. Sometimes I’d do a character study about what his damage is, but mostly I was making fun of his side-part and the very precise symmetry of his face. I don’t really know where I get off making fun of his side-part; if it weren’t for my bangs I’d part my hair like that too, so what’s my damage, is the real question.

(I don’t trust a man with that kind of facial symmetry, though. That’s why I need Henry Cavill to never be in geographical proximity to me.)

You didn’t need any of this information. But this is the first LMCC post so there’s no audience right now—and maybe not ever!—and thus, I’m doing this just for me, so I’ll talk about myself as much as my ADHD gremlin tells me my stream-of-conscious asides are detrimental to the full comprehension of these films.

I haven’t written fic in a while, so picking this movie for the Mason/Jason of it all was kind of like doing a fun Easter egg in the fandom of my life. Or something. I don’t know. I had a metaphor there and then I lost it halfway through.

Well anyway, before I make a full transition to recipe blogger who unveils their history of family trauma and then makes you answer their riddles three before you can unlock the secrets to chicken marsala, let’s get to the recap.

Stalker’s Prey opens at night, on a dark house, backtracked by ominous music. I had the captions on, and this movie really should have been called [dramatic music] for all the times CC clocked it.

The prerequisite Lifetime teen drama mom, played by Cynthia Gibb (who has an illustrious TV movie career and therefore I am obsessed with her), has just gotten home from work, immediately disturbed by… I don’t even know. I watched this movie twice and I can’t tell why she’s so suspicious of her own home. I decided it was all for the sake of the [dramatic music] mood and moved on with my life.

Cynthia Gibb as Sandy Wilcox walks through the house, calling for her daughters. She finds one asleep in her room and is visibly relieved. Is someone after them ALREADY? Why is this woman so suspicious? Because I’ll tell you something, she is not at all appropriately suspicious through the rest of this movie.

Out the window she sees a truck and now becomes visibly exasperated. Cut to the truck’s interior, where Sandy’s eighteen-year-old daughter Laura is getting hot and heavy with Nick, soundtracked by some loud teen angst music. That’s how you know they’re Bad Kids, even though she’s blonde and the Bad Kids are never blonde in these movies (but! Note the pink streaks! That only appear to be in the back? It’s a very pale pink. I might have even hallucinated it).

Sandy cockblocks with a sharp rap on the window. Laura basically tells her “We’ve fucked before and we’ll DO IT AGAIN.” Nick tells her she left her headlights on. So, y’know. He might be fucking your daughter, but he also cares about your car battery. That’s how we write a three-dimensional character.

Laura was supposed to be inside watching her sister, who’s fast asleep and probably couldn’t care less.

[Sandy:] “Ever since you started dating him, your behavior has gone to hell!”

So, immediately we get the vibe that Sandy has a strange emotional investment in her daughter’s relationship. I never trust a parent who has too many opinions about their kids’ partners—not when she just seems mad that they’re making out.

Also, she blames Laura’s recent turn into unsavory behavior on Nick, but I think, Sandy, it’s just normal teen hormone hullabaloo, unserious enough that “hullabaloo” really was the first word that came to mind. Call me when you find a meth lab in the bathtub, but skipping class and throwing attitude isn’t quite crisis mode.

Sandy grounds her. ON HER BIRTHDAY. The formerly asleep sister Chloe appears for no reason. In fact Chloe’s here for no reason this whole time. She also seems well old enough to babysit herself.

(Chloe’s age is never specified, but the actress was around fourteen at the time. She does not need a babysitter.)

The next day, Laura sneaks out to meet her friend Bre, because it’s her birthday and she’ll flaunt disobedience if she wants to. They go to the beach, where they sexually objectify Mason Dye while he paints a boat. Laura encourages a very interested Bre to talk to him, but she says, “I don’t know. He’s old.”

Later, we’re given enough information to force us into doing basic math and we can estimate that he’s twenty-two or thereabouts. WELL CALL THE CRYPT KEEPER, BRE, A CORPSE IS ON THE LOOSE.

Laura isn’t having her friend’s ageism, probably because she doesn’t want to deal with the midlife crisis Bre’s having right now, so she shouts “HEY, SAILOR BOY” and ducks behind another boat, leaving Bre to be awkward and charming with Mason Dye. The whole bit is reminiscent of the stupid shit we all pulled with our friends and their crushes. If this weren’t a stalker movie, this would be a super cute prelude to the central romance.

But! We’re not here for that. We’re here for people to be freaks.

After they leave and Mason Dye watches them with a flash of vaguely sinister interest, their friend Parker joins them.

“Have you been in the sun all day, Bre?”

“Um. No, I don’t think so?”

“Oh. You must always look this hot, then.”

Genuine compliment, these kids have some fun goofy chemistry. It’s endearing, believable, and it’s going to be a mondo bummer when terrible things happen to them.

Laura’s on the lookout for her boyfriend and says “Find Nick” into her phone, to which Parker responds, “That will never not be weird.” So true, Parker, but we need it for the foreshadowing.

Turns out that Nick, Bre, and Parker have surprised Laura with a birthday-decorated boat of unknown origins. For real.

[Laura:] “Whose boat is this?”

[Nick:] “Don’t worry about it.”

I’m a little bit worried about it, Nick. Especially since the boat’s name is—and I am so sorry to tell you this, but—OPEN WIDE.

So. I can only assume it belongs to a pervert.

(This might also be an attempt to reference the upcoming shark attack, but. Jesus Christ, guys, how many people did this go through before you filmed it, and none of you considered the IMPLICATIONS??)

The next scene is interspersed with cuts to Chloe and Sandy at home, where Chloe goes smug asshole and rats on Laura for leaving, Sandy starts calling them, they ignore her. There’s another cut back for the sole purpose of Sandy being passive-aggressive about her ex-husband’s new girlfriend/wife/whoever, to set up some dysfunctional family dynamic that doesn’t really do much for the story.

On the boat, Laura has sketched a portrait of Nick and I think her art style is super neat. There’s a close-up, so you know there’s going to be a callback to the illustration later. It’s like Chekhov’s gun but way less pertinent, tbh.

They get in the water. (Big mistake. Huge.) Laura and Nick talk about the future of their relationship, which doesn’t seem promising as Nick’s going across the country for college and Laura says she’s trying to be realistic, high school relationships aren’t meant to last forever. They’re not breaking up, Laura’s just jaded, probably because her parents are divorced and that always turns movie teenagers into war-torn souls or whatever.

They’re interrupted by Sandy’s first phone call and then—DUN DUN—the shark makes its appearance, gliding threateningly yet casually behind Nick. Like, right there, making a whole production of the thing instead of just chomp-chomping. That shark totally knows he’s in a movie.

Laura ignores her mom’s call and gets back in the water (big mistake, huge, take two). The shark’s making its rounds, unbeknownst to Laura and Nick until he gets a little nip, and even then he tries to play it cool.

“Even if it is a shark, they basically never bite people unless they think you’re a seal or something.”

I mean, good lookin’ out, I guess? Lifetime appears to be trying to undo the damage of Jaws, which catapulted people into an unnecessary fear of and violence towards sharks. But, uh. This shark very much does bite these people, so.

They start wiggin’ out—and fair—and make their way slowly back to the boat. In the distance, Mason Dye watches through comically large binoculars (maybe they’re accurately large, what do I know about the sea). He seems pretty unconcerned. Possibly even a little bit pleased. They cut to him again just to show us that he’s still looking through the binoculars. I’m beginning to think he hired this shark. He only just got his first look at Laura on the docks, but he’s a politician’s son (as we soon learn), so he could’ve easily contracted that shit out real quick to get rid of the boyfriend.

Call it my conspiracy theory for this movie, but Mason Dye and that shark are in mad cahoots.

The shark bites Laura’s middle—an appetizer, although he would have preferred the jalapeño poppers—and then we’re full knock-off Jaws [dramatic music] as Mason Dye finally ditches his hilarious binoculars and steers his boat towards them.

Not fast enough, though, and Nick gets Taken by the shark. It’s very quick, like—one second Nick’s done been got, approximately six later and the shark’s back onscreen headed for Laura. The first time I watched this, I had to pause and rewind, because “Did he just eat that whole boy?”

He did. He ate that whole boy.

Mason Dye does get there fast enough to save Laura, pulling her onto his boat right before the shark gets at her again. They’re still real close to the water, though; they’re just right there on the ladder. Would a shark jump for that? Jaws suggested it would. I think. I’ve never actually seen Jaws. Don’t tell me I have to, either, I do not care.

Cut to later that day, and by later that day I mean THE PITCH BLACK OF NIGHT. TV and movie time jumps are always wildin’.

There’s ambulances, police, and a news crew, and Mason Dye is telling an officer “By the time I got there, [Nick] was already gone.” Yeah, I’m pretty sure he hired that shark.

While Laura is loaded into an ambulance, Mason Dye gets interviewed by the local station.

[Newscaster:] “I’m here with Bruce Kane—”

Record scratch. Freeze frame.

BRUCE???

Absolutely not.

Look, I am first and foremost and if nothing else a Springsteen girlie. I have no qualms with a Bruce. Bruce, as a name, is salt-of-the-earth, he’s gruff, probably kinda sexy, he tells dad jokes and supports queer rights, his jeans are dirty and his motorcycle is pristine. Bruce does not have Mason Dye’s facial symmetry. His nose has been broken once, more likely twice, and was never properly reset. Bruce has an edge and he does a really good wink. You get what I’m saying.

But this fuckin’ guy, with his pressed collars and tucked-in shirts that have no business being tucked in, and his politician parents whose affiliations I, frankly, do not trust, is not a Bruce. This is a Blake, a Blaine, Beckett, Bennett, Beau, maybe a Beckham if you wanna really get into it. Every time they say “Bruce” I’m looking around the screen for someone else, because surely Bruce cannot be this trust fund prep. I can’t abide by it, and therefore I will not.

Presumably the next day, Blake goes to the boat with the ill-advised name, which has been towed in and is still decorated for Laura’s phenomenally shitty birthday. He takes her sweater and Nick’s phone, and has a scroll through hers. He zooms in on a selfie. It’s too close a zoom. Much like his nonsense binoculars, it’s (probably) unintentionally hilarious. I wonder if it’s somehow a nod to the binoculars, actually? Is this a motif??

At the hospital, Laura’s mom definitely wants to fuck Blaine. Sandy doesn’t stir from her vigil by Laura’s bed when Laura wakes up, oh no, but she’s up and at ’em as soon as Beckett shows up.

“There he is… the man of the hour.”

She gives him possibly the most awkward hug of all time. I wonder if Barnabas knows she wants to fuck him.

I told you guys I didn’t trust her investment in her daughter’s love life. Sandy probably didn’t want Laura to date Nick because she herself didn’t want to date Nick, and this is how she finds her boyfriends because she can’t be bothered to fail on Facebook Dating like the rest of us. But she likes this unconvincing Bruce, in his polo shirt tucked into his dress pants, so a mere day or something after Laura’s boyfriend gets eaten by a shark in front of her very eyes, Sandy’s captain of the SS Hey You Should Fuck This Guy.

Stay classy, Sandra.

(Stay classy, me, as I start calculating the number of times I’m going to say “fuck” in this recap. Something something glass houses, but oh well.)

I cannot emphasize enough the weirdo, oversexed Mrs. Bennet energy Sandy is giving in this scene. She is twirling Laura’s hair FOR HER as Laura talks to Bruce. We learn he’s from town but only just moved back, where he now volunteers in the pediatric cancer ward at the hospital—a fact Sandy shares with the most lusty eyes I’ve ever seen, and I used to stock porn for a living. (I worked at an adult store, it’s fine.)

In a cutaway to the newscast, Beckham expresses his regret that he couldn’t come to the rescue sooner, even though I’m pretty sure he could have, but saving Nick would have just been a waste of money after he’d gone to all that trouble to contract the shark in the first place.

Later that night, Beaumont III (outrageous that this guy doesn’t have a numeral behind his name, just look at him!) sneaks into Laura’s hospital room because apparently these places aren’t monitored. He holds her hand, sniffs her hand, I’m expecting him to make out with her hand—bold move, by the way, she could be a light sleeper for all you know—and whispers, “Oh, I missed you.”

OH. *eyeballs emojis, ad nauseum* What is THIS. I’m in.

It’s. About. To go. Down.

There are more newscasts featuring Laura’s horny mom, Bruce’s parents, and the man himself, that Laura and Bre are watching from the former’s hospital bed.

[Laura:] “Don’t they have anything else to talk about?”

[Bre:] “I don’t know, Laura, your TV movie kinda writes itself.”

I see what you did there, Lifetime, and I respect it.

Bre proceeds to mock their friend Parker because, upon hearing the news of his friend’s death, “[H]e full-on ugly-cried broke down.” And she’s full-on… laughing about it? Maybe it’s meant to suggest her discomfort, but it comes off as just being kind of a dick. I was ROOTING FOR YOU KIDS.

Blaine shows up in a button-down short-sleeve shirt that makes him look like a youth pastor. He fakes humility, Bre nervous laughs, he leaves, Bre makes a suggestive face at Laura, and Laura denies there’s anything going on between her and Blake.

Imagine Bre’s suggestive face if she caught Sandy and Bruce in a room together. That raw animal sexuality is PALPABLE.

…I actually kind of hate that I wrote that, but I did the bit and now I have to commit to it.

When Laura is discharged, she goes home to find that Sandy’s hidden Laura’s bedside picture of Nick for unexplored reasons, but something about how Sandy thought it would be too hard on her to see him right now. Laura flips and Sandy does that exasperated mom sigh and tells her, “It’s nothing against him personally.”

Girl, I should hope not???? That boy is fully dead, maybe cut him some slack??

Sandy fights with her ex over the phone because he’s not coming to see Laura even though she almost died. Laura pretends not to care. But like, what a dick, right? Still unconvinced this backstory provides any useful context here, this isn’t a daddy issues kinda Lifetime movie, but here we are and Laura’s dad is a deadbeat chump.

More indeterminate amount of time later, Laura peels back her bandages to check out her sick-ass scars. Pretty sure she shouldn’t be doing that, but I don’t know how stitches work, I’m not a doctor. That’s morbid curiosity for you, what’re ya gonna do.

Bruce comes over to say weird things, but at least his shirt’s untucked for once.

“So this is your room. It’s exactly how I imagined it would be.”

God damn, dude, reel it in a little. I gotta agree with Laura’s nervous what-the-fuck laugh.

He does not, however, reel it in. That is simply not the way of a Beaumont the Third.

The way of a Beaumont the Third is to GIVE YOU A DIAMOND NECKLACE and ask you to come to his parents’ campaign fundraiser and when you say you have nothing to wear he says “I’ll take care of everything” and then he mails a dress to your house without any input from you about your fashion sense or those obviously useless logistical things like your size.

[Sandy:] “I just didn’t think they made guys like this anymore.”

[Laura:] “Are you sure you don’t just want to go tonight?”

HONESTLY, SANDRA.

They marvel at how gorgeous the dress is. The dress is not gorgeous. I mean, I don’t know dick about fashion, so take this with a grain of salt, but it’s just so… blah conservative? And too old for her.

Bruce’s parents think they’re dating even though they’ve known each other for five seconds and her boyfriend like, just died, brotato. That’s Laura’s line of thinking, but Bruce asks her to play along because his parents worry about how much time he spends alone, they made assumptions, and he doesn’t want to disappoint them.

This would all be fair enough—fake dating’s always a favorite—but this is also a Lifetime movie, so really this is just about the ~theater of it all. Like Parker, who’s on the catering staff, overhearing when Mrs. Kent calls Laura Bruce’s girlfriend, and Parker officially adds her to his Burn Book.

The fundraiser drops another plot point when Laura introduces Bruce to her English teacher, Mr. Alves. Bruce mentions that he has his substitute teaching certification but there haven’t been any openings. So you know what that means: Bruce has another task for the shark.

While that narrative thread is being sewn, Laura has an episode because people are swimming and she hallucinates a shark. And, you know, literally why would you bring her to the waterfront right now? Sure, Billingsworth is trying to emotionally manipulate her, but why did no one else raise any concerns about this? Like her MOTHER.

Sandy, you’re too horny for this guy. Get some perspective.

Bruce takes Laura to his house to decompress and they get drunk by the pool, encouraging Laura to tell him, “You know my mom’s totally got the hots for you.” Glad we’re all on the same page, because your mom thirsting after the guy who’s stalking you is a whole other Lifetime movie (that I’d be very interested in watching, by the way).

She talks about how her mom didn’t like Nick because Nick probably reminded her of Laura’s dad, but Nick was so much better than her dad, and that’s not a fuckin’ weird thing to say or anything. Bruce gives her a cuddle and tells her about his first love, how they’re not together because “it’s complicated,” but he sees her and they talk all the time.

Yeah, okay, Billingsworth. Nice try, but that girl is super dead.

Bruce “accidentally” calls her Ali, and Laura correctly surmises that’s the totally still alive, I’m sure ex-girlfriend. These slips happen throughout the movie, and it’s unclear as to whether they are just honest slips, if he’s doing it on purpose, if he has some legitimate delusion that Laura is Ali, or if it’s some combination of these things.

Whatever it is, Laura doesn’t seem to care, she and Bruce get in the pool (which she’s wary of but does anyway because she’s very perceptible to peer pressure), and they kiss.

I still have no concept of the timeline here—how do stitches work?? (Don’t explain it to me but also what)—but regardless, you can’t blame Laura for gettin’ it. She’s eighteen, in a weird headspace, vulnerable, a little drunk, her boyfriend’s dead, she almost died, this guy is possibly in cahoots with the shark (which isn’t a concern for anyone else, somehow, but it’s my new conspiracy obsession), he saved her life, and he’s also—despite the fact that he celebrates his free will by wearing khakis—really handsome.

The emotional upheaval of it all is a perfectly valid cause to make out with someone, even if you’re not entirely sure you should be making out with them. Whatever, I’m not here to judge how Laura gets her action. I’m here to judge the alleged Bruce‘s very starched shirt collars.

The make-out and potentially more (?) fades to black, and fades back in with Laura in Bruce’s bed while he’s in the other room, on the phone with Ali. It’s all “I miss you too” and “I’ll see you soon” and other surface-level things you can easily say on a fake phone call.

THE NEXT DAY… (Lotta “the next day” going on around here.)

While out for a jog, Laura regales Bre with tales of her emotional confusion, because she doesn’t really know what she wants but that’s probably okay, right, because Bruce is “still hung up on his ex” so he won’t get attached to Laura.

Ha-ha-hardly.

Meanwhile, Bruce is doin’ himself up in the mirror and practicing his next on-air appearance: “That shark is still out there. The shark is still out there. That shark is still out there,” with different inflections. “I’m gonna hunt it down, find it, and kill it. For Nick. And for Laura.”

Girl, you hired that shark. Also how are you gonna know it’s the right one? It was a pretty unassuming shark, like, physically speaking. And it’s an OCEAN.

Laura takes Chloe the adult woman who doesn’t need a babysitter to the beach. Bruce calls her.

“You should really put some sunscreen on. You’re starting to get a little red.”

He brought her flowers. To the beach. How inconvenient. Laura thinks so too, mostly because she doesn’t know how he knew where she was. He gaslights her (or gaslight-adjacent): “What, no ‘thank you’?”

Nick’s phone goes off in Bruce’s pocket. It must be Duolingo telling him to practice his Spanish, because everyone knows he’s dead and Duolingo doesn’t care if you’re dead, you’d better practice those adverbs or Duolingo will kill you again. It’s a Very generic ringtone, but the Twilight Zone theme goes off in Laura’s head because she recognizes it’s the one Nick had.

Actually, though, I think this is all just rather clumsy exposition to remind us that Bruce has Nick’s phone, and he knew where Laura was via the “Find” feature (which must have something to do with the ringtone going off? Maybe? I’m overthinking this). I don’t know why we need to be reminded of this. Bruce is a weird fuckin’ guy with political connections, of course he’s gonna know where she is at all times.

Laura tells him the other night shouldn’t have happened, that she needs some time and space, and Bruce agrees—but also doesn’t agree, like, in his heart. Exhibit A: He talks to himself in his car, followed by an angry meltdown.

“I don’t want it to end, but it’s for the best… We have to move on… But you’re my everything. I can’t live without you.”

He screams a bunch and then pulls up a voicemail:

“Hey, babe, it’s Ali. I miss you. Call me back, okay? I wanna see you soon.”

So that was definitely what he was talking to when Laura overheard him however many nights ago that was. For realsies, Laura’s talking about how she needs “time” and yet this movie cannot be contained by such pedestrian metaphysical elements.

At her first day back at school post-hitman shark attack, everyone is standing around staring at Laura, like they were just waiting for her to show up so they could make her feel weird. In explanation, Parker pulls from his bag a VERY pristine newspaper, with a photo of Laura and Bruce on the front page.

[Bre:] “Well, that’s a little distasteful.”

[Parker:] “What, the headline, or the bitch that’s flaunting her man around not a week after Nick’s death?”

NOT EVEN A WEEK?? I’m exhausted.

As expected, Bruce has taken over as a substitute teacher because “Mr. Alves had a bad fall last night.” Couldn’t get the shark on the phone, I guess.

He gaslight-adjacents Laura some more and then gets inappropriate with her because she’s wearing the DIAMOND NECKLACE (it’s just so egregious) and “You have no idea how happy it makes me to see it on you.”

Sweet brotato pie, you are her TEACHER. That’s a whole other genre of Lifetime movie, stay in your lane.

They’re reading The Scarlet Letter because teenagers are always reading The Scarlet Letter when it’s thematically appropriate. And lo! Parker uses the opportunity to slut-shame Laura via metaphor or whatever.

[Parker:] “How long does it take to put makeup on two faces every morning?”

[Laura:] “One more word, and I’ll kick your balls straight into your throat.”

[Parker:] “Did you hear that? She just threatened me.”

[Bruce:] “Hardly a threat, considering you’d actually have to have a pair for her to kick.”

The zingers just keep on comin’. (I did legitimately laugh at Laura’s threat, though. She earned that.)

Later, after Parker leaves detention, he stops in the doorway to Bruce’s classroom purely to flip him off. The moxie on this kid, I tell ya.

We follow Parker past the normal bathroom, which is under maintenance, to the obviously haunted locker rooms. A mysterious hand turns a shower on, and Parker makes it his business because he’s an environmentalist. Not that I know why this ruse was necessary in the first place, Brucetopher. It’s like the shark circling Laura and Nick, all pizzazz for no reason.

*slaps the roof of this movie* This baby can fit so many MOTIFS in it!

He pushes a cart of dodgeballs in Parker’s path, which Parker does not make his business because he has both a profound respect for and deep fear of ghosts, and does a sharp U-turn, just for Bruce to casually appear behind him and nail him with a baseball bat. He takes Parker’s wallet, assumedly to make it look like a random mugging, and an immobilized Parker notices his watch.

In the grocery store parking lot, Sandy takes the reins to fully gaslight Laura regarding her unease with Bruce’s increasing presence in her life.

[Sandy:] “I think you’re blowing this thing out of proportion.”

[Laura:] “Okay, well, it just made me feel really uncomfortable.”

[Sandy:] “I don’t know what you’re talking about. He’s a really nice guy.”

AND THERE HE IS.

It occurs to me now that whenever Bruce turns up somewhere Laura is, it’s because he’s using the “Find” feature on Nick’s phone. It took me two watches and getting deep into this recap to suss that out. I’d make a joke about how I’m, like, such a ditz, but I stand by my initial assumption that a weird fuckin’ guy with political connections is just going to be wherever is least convenient for you.

He notices that Laura’s not wearing the necklace anymore and it’s like, yeah, man, you were a “Super Freak” by Rick James about it, no shit she took it off.

(I know that’s not what that song is about, but the chorus popped in my head anyway. It’s about the vibes.)

Another woman who clearly knows Bruce shows up. Her name is Liz and they have an amicable chat wherein we learn that Liz is Alison’s sister. We’ll need her later.

Until then, we’re treated to another newscast about Baxter’s homoerotic fixation on the shark, and it’s like, wait a minute. Is this movie a Moby Dick allegory?

I can’t unpack that right now.

Captain Ahab (Abercrombie & Fitch edition) is on the prowl for the shark, throwing chum into the water like that won’t attract literally any other shark. I’m not saying this is a bad plan, per se; it just doesn’t, uuuuuuh, make any fucking sense.

Back in English class, Bruce puts a prolonged hand on Laura’s shoulder and, y’know, she could probably file a report about his inappropriate conduct with a student and that problem solves itself? But no, the purpose of this shot is for Parker to notice and recognize Bruce’s watch as the one worn by his assailant. [dramatic music]

Parker semi-confronts Mr. Belvedere by making leading comments about the watch, to which Bruce responds with leading comments about how he’ll fuck Parker up for real next time. It’s all very Real Housewives.

Laura is once again having a rotten no good very bad day. Some patented mean girls graffitied her locker with “HOT FOR TEACHER,” with the “A” in red, because maybe the whole Scarlet Letter angle was introduced too far into the movie to count, but they’re going to wring every last reference they can out of it.

In an attempt to defend Laura, what Bre ends up doing is confirming their suspicions, so now everyone knows Laura really did hook up with Bruce and it’s all ha ha scandalous. This girl’s boyfriend died like a week ago, do y’all wanna chill, perchance?

Parker all but says Bruce is the one who attacked him but he doesn’t want to Discuss it, Laura is mad at Bre, and they disperse.

Laura visits the boat with no owner—it’s weird that this boat doesn’t belong to anyone?? Why not just say it was Nick’s parents’ boat? Why are we shrouding OPEN WIDE in such mystique???—which is still decorated and scattered with their belongings, namely her illustration of Nick.

She goes home to find Bruce babysitting Chloe the Adult Woman. (She doesn’t need a babysitter, why is this a plot point!!!!) Sandy gave Bruce a house key so he could help out, Laura is clearly This Close to losing it, Bruce doesn’t consider taking responsibility for her emotional distress and assumes it’s about her fight with Bre, who is “not worth getting mad about.”

So we all know where this is going.

While out for another jog, Bre notices that she’s being followed by a car and, when she goes all “What’s up, bro, you wanna fight? You wanna fight, bro? Square up, bro” (I’m paraphrasing), the car speeds off and she goes back to her cardio. In the middle of the road. Even though there’s a sidewalk right there. So even if Bruce didn’t come back around and mow her down like he does, somebody else certainly could have.

All considered, it’s still not her fault. I’m just saying. Use the sidewalk. That’s why it’s there.

On her way to school, Laura is leaving Bre a voicemail when she sees Bruce through the window, he waves, and she is clearly on the verge of a breakdown because she cannot deal with this motherfucker anymore (literal motherfucker, if Sandy had her way, bah-dum-tss).

(…I apologize. I’m writing this at like 2:45 in the morning hopped up on Pepsi and cinnamon bread and I, like the unconvincing Bruce, will not be taking responsibility for my actions.)

At home, Sandy relays Bre’s hit-and-run to Laura, who declares “That’s it” and heads for the police station.

“Last night I told him I was mad at her and today she’s in a hospital bed.”

To be fair, that is the natural flow of these Lifetime stalker/obsession movies, so. This officer should be taking that into consideration. But she’s not buying what Laura’s selling because she doesn’t have a subscription to Lifetime Movie Club, even though it’s only five dollars a month (see, I told you I was going to bring that up again).

Billy (short for William) is outside the station, apparently on his way to meet his parents down the street. I’m so sure. Laura tells him kinda-mostly the truth, that she’s here to see if they have any information on Bre’s accident.

[Bruce:] “Why would you care? Aren’t you really mad at her? […] Best friends don’t fight, Laura. And you shouldn’t be so back-and-forth on who you keep close to you.”

Well. That’s telling.

Bruce then shows off his white man audacity by asking Laura out, even though “Ali told me not to.” Yeah? She tell you that on your Ouija board?

Laura very obviously brushes him off, so naturally he lets himself into her house in the middle of the night with the key Sandy gave him because OF COURSE you give the dude who’s jonesin’ for your daughter a key to your home. That worked out real hot in Fear.

(I mean, Reese Witherspoon’s parents were way less negligent in that movie, but the point stands that you don’t give these older guys with a very particular haircut valuable information about how to get in the house, HELLO, do none of you have Lifetime’s very reasonably-priced monthly subscription??? How will you ever LEARN?)

Laura somehow and once again does not wake up through Bruce lurking about her room, not even when he lays down next to her and stares at her with the kind of intensity that would get really funny if it didn’t make you fear for your life. I need to know what she’s on that knocks her out so hardcore, and where can I get some?

When she does wake up, she’s alarmed and out of sorts and I don’t know why. Female intuition? Whatever, Bruce is gone and the Nick illustration she’d framed has been knocked to the floor. And thus, for all its close-up shots, concludes the journey and purpose of that sketch.

She sees Bryant through the doors at school and bounces. He rats on her to Sandy, and about Laura’s trip to the police station too.

[Sandy:] “I’m trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but you’re skipping school again, you’re unreliable with your sister, now you’re blaming some poor guy for running your friend off the road? Does this have to do with your father?”

Um. I don’t know, Sandy, maybe she had a near-death experience and saw her boyfriend die like two weeks ago max? Maybe get her some therapy for that? Maybe a hot second to just process, even?

Laura denies that this has anything to do with her dad—and for real, why would it?—but “I’m starting to see why he left you.”

I mean.

Very unchill thing to say, Laura, but I get it.

One bridge burned, another repaired as Laura and Parker make amends over their mutual distrust of Bruce. They plan to go see Ali’s family, who Laura tracked down on Facebook—but did they post their HOME ADDRESS? Or I’ll just suspend my disbelief, that’s fine too.

Before they can crack this thing wide open—or OPEN WIDE, ha cha cha cha cha—Laura puts a chain on the front door and I suppose her mother won’t have any questions about that. But it doesn’t matter tonight anyway, because the call is coming from inside the house, aka Bruce is already peepin’ at Laura through a crack in what I think is her closet door. Another bold move! How do you know she’s not going to need to go in there?? Can’t gaslight your way out of that one, Brendan.

Laura and Parker go to Ali’s house, where they meet with the aforementioned sister Liz.

[Laura:] “I was hoping to talk to Alison.”

[Liz:] “She’s… not here.”

As in NOT ON THIS EARTHLY PLANE.

Also, why dodge the fact of the matter? Liz has zero suspicions that Bruce was somehow responsible for Ali’s death, and in fact she wants to call him to clear up this whole business.

She doesn’t, though, and they’re all distracted by a so-big-it-should-have-distracted-them-in-the-first-place portrait of Bruce and Ali, prompting Liz to point out to Laura, “She kind of looks like you.”

Or, exactly like her, except in a strawberry blonde wig, and the diamond necklace and decidedly not-gorgeous dress.

[Liz:] “I don’t know what Bruce has been telling you, but Alison died almost four years ago. […] It was a car accident. Bruce took it really hard, actually. He always blamed himself.”

I like how Bruce “took it really hard, actually.” As if to suggest that someone wouldn’t normally take it hard when their partner dies.

Upon this revelation, Parker and Laura peace out, leaving Liz in the dust to call after them: “Bye… I guess.”

I lost it at her delivery. Performance of a lifetime.

Brooklyn is back on his boat, tossing chum and having a conveniently-timed flashback to the night Ali died. She was breaking up with him in the car, with the dialogue Bruce spoke to himself when he had his meltdown. Her reasons mirrored what Laura said to Nick about their future, which I thought was an interesting parallel even though it doesn’t really come to anything more.

The flashback cuts out just as Bruce sped up the car and Ali told him to slow down, so we conclude that Bruce blames himself for her death because it is one hundred percent his fault. He listens to Ali’s voicemail again, then uses Nick’s phone to “Find Laura.” See, Parker, the FORESHADOWING.

And then, behold—THE SHARK. Or just a shark. Bentley aims his arrow shooter thing or whatever, I don’t know weaponry, but then must realize it’s not the shark he hired—or it is the shark he hired, and he can’t kill it because of some kind of code of honor, so he has to wait for another shark rando to show up and he’ll just kill that one, because literally no one is gonna know if the shark he kills is the right one.

All that to say, no, I don’t know why he decides to not shoot it. He has a whole nefarious, poetic justice plot later, but based on what happens between now and then, there’s no way he’s formulating that plan right now.

“Find Laura” tells him she’s at home, so that’s where he goes. But Sandy, who Laura said was working tonight when she blew him off earlier, says Laura’s not there, and she left her phone charging on the counter so Sandy’s not sure where she is.

[Bruce, muttering to himself:] “Yeah, I told you not to ask her out, she—”

[Sandy:] “Bruce, are you feeling all right?”

[Bruce:] “No, I’m not FEELING ALL RIGHT, SANDY.”

The angry outburst that he almost immediately smooths out is pretty excellent acting, but intensity makes me feel weird so I laughed a lot.

Bruce stakes out the house until Laura gets back with Parker, whom she hugs, and now Bruce goes full “If I can’t have you, no one can.”

And he does it AT SCHOOL. Where he is EMPLOYED. And she is a STUDENT.

Again: that’s a whole other Lifetime genre. This movie really wants to have it all, doesn’t it.

He drags Laura into a supply closet. There are people around. People see this happening. There are no consequences whatsoever.

[Bruce:] “Did you think you could just sleep with another guy and I wouldn’t care? […] I can’t believe you would cheat on me like that.”

[Laura:] […] “We’re not dating, Bruce!”

[Bruce:] “I should have listened to Alison. She told me you were trouble.”

[Laura:] “Alison’s DEAD, Bruce.”

Not sure I would have played that angle, but you know what, Laura, you’ve been through a lot; I’ll give it to you.

Blake does some kinda screamo yelling, as if no one’s going to hear that.

“You take for granted everything I’ve given you! I saved you. I’m in charge of your life now. You understand? I decide what you do.”

And he decides they’re going to dinner tomorrow. Laura, visibly and rightfully shaken, agrees. Everyone in the hallway is fucking useless.

There’s another newscast about the shark, “I know he’s out there,” blah blah, Blaine wants to do the segment again because he “can do it better.” I think this is to showcase his mental spiral, but like. We get it, man. He hit a girl with his car.

At dinner, Laura wears the necklace, the dress, and her hair like Ali’s in the picture she saw. Bruce calls her Ali again, and I really think Laura should jump on calling him the wrong name too. It’s very easy, and oddly satisfying.

Bartholomew talks about how he’s still looking for the shark, because he has no other personality traits and certainly no hobbies, and because “The whole town’s counting on me.”

And it’s like… are they, though? Are they really? It’s not much in the way of an immediate threat. It’s a shark, it’s not gonna stroll into the bank for a hold-up. I’d watch that movie, though.

MONEY SHARK: [Roy Schneider voice] You’re gonna need a bigger bank.

See, I don’t need to actually watch Jaws. I get it.

Laura trash-talks Bre to get Bruce to confess to the hit-and-run. Parker’s nearby, filming them on his phone, but he’s on the clock and his boss calls him out, which catches Bruce’s attention. Laura gets very dramatic about whether Parker got the footage, and he confirms that he did.

[Laura, to Bruce:] “Stay away from me and my friends, and stay the hell out of my house.”

Laura drops the necklace on the table and stalks off. Parker sidles up and says, “I bet the cops listen to her now, Mr. Kane.”

It all leaves me to wonder… Were the mic-drop moments really worth it, you guys? You gotta play your sabotage cool until the dude’s out of range of like, murdering you. Somebody always gets murdered after the mic-drop. We should start a running tally of how often this happens in Lifetime movies.

The plan is for Parker to meet Laura at her house later so they can take the video to the police. I don’t know why he doesn’t just text it to her and she could go right now. But that would spoil the [dramatic music] beats, I guess.

Laura throws the dress in the outside trash and then goes inside to babysit her adult woman sister. There’s a standard tension fake-out where Laura is alarmed by normal house noises and Chloe’s missing from her bed, only to be found coming out of the bathroom, and then it’s back to the real problem.

A horn honks, announcing Parker’s arrival. Laura leaves her dying phone on the kitchen counter to charge and goes outside. When Parker doesn’t respond to her appearance, she heads towards him, passing the trash can that’s now open and—GASP!—that ugly dress is gone, and good riddance. Behind her, we see Bruce slipping into the front door she left open.

Parker still isn’t responding, so Laura opens the car door and it’s literally just Parker’s head wrapped up against the driver’s seat.

WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE MIC DROPS. NOW HE DOESN’T HAVE A BODY.

Laura runs inside to find her phone unplugged and dead, and something besides [dramatic music] starts playing from the Bluetooth or whatever, some rendition of “You Made Me Love You (I Didn’t Want to Do It)” that I thought was Patsy Cline’s but now I’m not sure.

Bruce is just sitting there in the dark like some horror movie creepo, which I guess is accurate enough. He says, “I’ve come to forgive you, Ali,” while Laura threatens him with a knife. He’s all “I know you’d never hurt me,” and she straight stabs him in the thigh. Hilarious boss bitch points all around.

When she makes a run for it, she doesn’t get very far before Bruce grabs her and squeezes her shark bite until she… passes out? Not even the Doctor could sort out the timeline here (maybe one of Steven Moffat’s storylines could, since that line of logic tends to be “It works like this because I said so,” but! I digress!), and I still don’t know how stitches work, so I’ll just assume that pain response is feasible.

We’re back on Blaine’s boat. The Lonely Island plays in the background. (No, I’m kidding, but could you imagine?) And this is when he reveals his plan I mentioned earlier, the one that doesn’t really jive with the trajectory of his breakdown or whatever’s goin’ on with this guy.

Laura’s tied up on a couch in the cabin when the shark (a shark) responds to all that Hamburger Helper mess Bruce has been tossing, and Bruce does his villain monologue.

“Too bad we can’t give them this headline—’girl killed by the same shark that she was saved from’.”

Laura keeps him talking while she MacGyvers her way out of the tape around her ankles. When Beckett comes in to be all macho posturing threatening, she shoots him in the shoulder with that shark weapon (is it a crossbow? I’ll never know) and locks him out of the cabin.

While she scrambles around for I don’t know what, she should just shoot him again (maybe she doesn’t know how to reload the maybe-a-crossbow? Relatable), she finds a bunch of printouts of her asleep and in various states of undress, because every stalker is really just a photographer who went wrong.

Who am I kidding, though. The stalker collage is an “Ooooooh SHIT” moment every time.

She dashes into the bedroom to find a shrine to Alison that’s almost as good as whatever Helga Pataki was doing in her closet. Nothing is ever as good as Helga Pataki, but Bruce is close, what with his full-size Forever 21 mannequin dressed up as Ali and all, and then he shows up to get weird with it.

[Bruce, to Laura:] “I see you’ve met Alison. [Then, to the mannequin:] I knew you wouldn’t leave me, baby […] Of course not, Ali. You’re my everything. I can’t live without you.”

All the while he’s stroking the mannequin’s face, getting closer to her, I am quite seriously on the edge of my seat waiting for him to just make out with her already, I am praying for it, and I am disappointed. Wasted opportunity. I would have gone back to church for that.

Laura wallops him with a fire extinguisher or some other such thing; once again I know nothing about the necessities of boat ownership, but it’s some kind of portable tank.

Cue the chase scene. The shark is still there because he, too, enjoys a Lifetime movie moment. Laura’s leading Bruce around in circles, prompting him to shout, enraged, “You can’t hide on a BOAT, LAURA” and now I’m suddenly kind of rooting for him? (No, that would be nuts, but he’s getting me with all this maybe, maybe not, unintentional comedy.)

Laura runs back onto the deck, now with the diamond necklace that she dangles over the side of the boat—

ALEXA! PLAY “MY HEART WILL GO ON” BY CELINE DION.

Bruce makes a grab for it, they both tumble into the ocean, I start singing to my TV: “Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feeeeeel you. That is how I know you… gooo ooon…”

Laura presses the wound on Bruce’s shoulder like he’s a Coca-Cola Freestyle and BAM, blood everywhere, attracting the shark. Bruce is promptly eaten, because you can’t trust a wild animal to be your hitman and get away with it.

Laura makes it back to the boat, and we’re treated to one last shot of the necklace floating down through the water.

WE’LL STAAAAAY FOREEEEEVER THIS WAY—

The final scene mirrors the first time Laura escaped a shark attack, ambulances and police and the whole shebang. Sandy and pointless Chloe rush Laura, apologies all around, and maybe this time Sandy will get her daughter some goddamn therapy.

~FIN. (Because it’s over and also because sharks.)

So! This recap got… unruly. I’ll try to tighten it up for future installments, but it is Lifetime. They go there, and I talk a lot. Chaos ensues.

Thanks for dropping by! If you like the things I say, you can find me saying more things all across the internet. See you next time!